Yesterday, today, and two weeks from now...

Four years ago yesterday I lost a very good friend, a greyhound called Bo. Hope you're still flying free, my brave boy. I still miss you and still hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me that I was cheated out of a life with you.

Yesterday, as if on cue because it's Valentine's Day...I got my divorce papers. Couldn't have been more perfect if I'd tried.

Two weeks from yesterday I will go on vacation and get to finally meet someone that has become very important to me.

Life is good.

Well Duh...

Yesterday would have been my BoBo's 10th birthday. I wonder if that's part of the cause of the funk? Who knows...but anyway, happy birthday at the bridge my sweet big boy. I still miss you EVERY day of my life...but I'm happy to wait for our bright Someday...when we can "walk in the rays of a beautiful sun" again.



love and scritches,
Mommy

To My Hounds

BoBo - I miss how I'd hear your tags jingling when I put my key in the lock at the end of the day because you were the only one responsible enough to be allowed free reign of the house. The day you died was the last day I used the front door to come into the old house in Anderson.

Lizzard - I haven't known when it's 4:30pm since the day I left for Mountain Hounds because my Lizzard-Alarm is gone. Ask the others, they'll tell you. I miss your big blind eyes staring at me till your nose figures out who I am and nips me on the nose like the disobediant pup I always am.

Profile - I love how you've managed to make a race track out of the 3 foot by 3 foot space in the guest room that has carpet, and how your eyes look when you lay your ears back and staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare at me.

Jeany - I love how you chatter your teefers like there's an earthquake going on in your mouth and how when you perk your ears up your eyebrows follow suit.

Hunky - I love how after almost six years of being my protector, my lovey boy, my best friend and the other half of my brain...after six years, every time I lean down to hug you, you still stick your nose up into my hair right next to my neck, take a deep breath like you're memorizing me, and sigh.

You know you're exhausted when...Part Two

Let me quickly say first that I have a wonderful boss. He is a very intelligent man, quick-witted, dry sense of humor, and an all around good guy. I am quite lucky to work for someone who trusts my work enough to let me do my job without hovering about...rare in a state job. So no worries about getting Dooce'd over this posting.

One thing my boss is NOT is observant. I once cut about 10 inches off my hair and it took him several months to ask me what looked different about me. It requires a radical change in one's appearance to get his attention and even more so to make him comment...such as if I stopped wearing suits to interpret in probate court and suddenly showed up in a halter top and flip flops. Well, actually, that would probably involve the authorites, an indecent exposure charge and some sort of endangerment to minors, but I digress...

My boss looked at me today and said, "Are you all right? You look sort of..." (pause as he, God bless him, searches for a non-offensive way to say I look like the underside of a mudflap in a blizzard)

"I look sort of what?"

"Well, sort of...grrrrrr."

"Grrr?"

"Yeah, you know, grrr. Tense."

I reminded him what day it was, and said that I was tired, and I handed him my leave slip from being out sick yesterday. God bless him again, he didn't ask any more questions.

And here I thought that I looked rather "weeeee hooooo" with a touch of "oh mah gaaahd how granola!" today, as I skipped the makeup (to avoid raccoon-ism should I think of Bo and cry) and have my rats nest of curly tresses pulled up in a ponytail. I wonder if it's my shoulders that are saying "grrrr" or perhaps my giant forehead...it does tend to snarl a bit when I pull back the hair that it normally hides behind.

Thank goodness it's only 2 weeks until I leave to go to Sandy Paws and Jacksonville for five days...we wouldn't want my "grrrr" to turn into a "rawr" or a "grrooowwwwl" because that's when people get hurt. It's only funny until someone's attitude puts out an eye, after all.

Flashy Jo Star

Bo and Mommy at "School", July 2002
Originally uploaded by NanLassiter.

Five Stairsteps to a Healing Heart

Ooh child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh child, things'll get brighter

On February 13th, 2003, sometime in the afternoon, I was driving back from Clinton, SC in my old Honda, with BoBo stretched out across the backseat on some blankets. He never liked my choice of music, but when I got to our song and stopped singing (I think THAT is truly the issue he had with my music...my warbling along) he settled back and stopped whining. For the 3+ minutes that song lasted, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw that strong jaw, those bright eyes, and that beautiful light yellow brindled fur. "Oooh Child" by the Five Stairsteps was on the CD player, and it quickly became our song, Bo's and mine, and I'd been singing it to him at night while sitting with him downstairs.

Some day, yeah
We'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter

Scott had to help me get him out of the car, of course, because he was so weak that it was tough to manage the backseat of a Civic. We also had to watch and make sure that we didn't damage the IV line that was now a permanent part of one of his front legs. Once in the basement, I found my standard spot on the floor next to his dogbed and reminded him that once he was better he could sleep anywhere he wanted, even on that stupid fluffy rug in the bathroom.

Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

As I'd done for the past two weeks, I fell asleep that night on the concrete floor in the basement with my head and arm on his dogbed. I didn't sleep long though...BoBo couldn't always tell us fast enough when he had to go out, so I think for those two weeks I drifted in a state of near conciousness so that I wouldn't miss him calling if he needed me. If I'd known I would have stayed up all night talking to him, memorizing every last brindle stripe in his fur and making sure I told him just how much his Mommy loved him. But I didn't know.

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

On Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2003, Scott took Bo to the vet for his daily fluids. We had plans to possibly go out that night but we would probably have stayed in and had dinner on the floor in the basement. Scott called me at about 4:30 pm. Bo left us shortly thereafter. The first person I called was Amy, poor thing...she and Charles were out celebrating Valentine's Day and all I could say on the phone was "We lost Bo." They offered to come sit with me until Scott got home from Clinton, but I thanked them and told them no.

Three years later I still miss Bo. Three years later I still hate Valentine's Day. But it doesn't hurt as bad as it did last year, and certainly not as much as it did the year before that. I still don't deal well with all the commercials on television showing happy couples exchanging jewelry and smiling children holding up hand-made cards to proud parents. The overload of candy and roses in the stores just seems hollow to me. Bo was the first greyhound we lost, and while his death did prepare me for Liz to leave us, it was a painful lesson. The fact that it happened on the day that it did I think just makes it more vivid and harder to forget.

Right now
You just wait and see how things are gonna be
Right now

My heart is healing. I got a card today from my parents, a Valentine's Card, and for the first time in three years I didn't completely lose my composure reading it. I'd like to think that Bo was watching as I walked back into the house with the card in my hand, finally satisfied that his Mommy is okay.

I love you Bo, and I won't ever forget. I'm just learning how not to hurt so much I guess...

Maybe next year I'll buy myself a rose and a candy bar.