29 May 2006
I wanted to let those of you that have expressed concern know that last night I got approximately eight hours of only slightly uninterrupted sleep. I konked out on the sofa at my sister and brother-in-law's watching a movie at about 2am, woke up at 5am and went to the guest room, where I fell back into bed and slept till 10am. No drugs. No sleep aids of any kind unless you count Julia Roberts in a movie I'd never heard of a sleep aid. Maybe I should keep that in mind.
25 May 2006
24 May 2006
9. My eating schedule is thrown off when it's been seven hours since the half a container of sherbert that I ate for dessert (after some cucumber dill hummus and whole wheat pita bread accompanied by some wonderful Amish smoked cheddar).
8. Everything is worse at 4am.
7. Everything is never-ending, in addition to being worse, at 4am.
6. My alarm clock will be going off in 2.5 hours.
5. The alarm on the television in my bedroom will be going off in 2.25 hours.
4. The fuzzy alarm clocks with feet will be whining, mewling, and generally being fussy in about 3 hours.
3. I am more alone than anyone on the earth...at 4am. By six I'll be back with all the other slobs that have to work for a living.
2. It seems like my divorce will never happen and I will never be free...at 4am.
And the number one reason why insomnia sucks:
1. There are only so many times I can call in sick based on only getting a few hours of sleep before they recommend therapy...yay working for DMH!
If anyone knows where the "off" switch is for my brain, could you let me know? I lost the manual years ago and it's been a whirlygig up there ever since. I'm amazed that I can sleep at all.
23 May 2006
This morning, in between viciously pounding on the snooze button on the alarm clock, I had a dream about Scott. I was in my new place but it wasn't the house I live in now. It was a LOT bigger, and the backyard was nothing but a tennis court. Anyway, the jist of the dream was that he was following me around in my house, DOING THINGS. Like for instance, I was making coffee and I put the filter with the coffee in it into the machine, then filled up the carafe to add water to the machine. When I poured the water into the machine, it overflowed because someone had already put water in it. The food that was supposed to be in my refrigerator was actually in my freezer, though I remembered putting it in the correct place. Therefore, all my food had to be thawed before it could be used. Lights were on in rooms where I wasn't, or I'd walk into a room and turn on the light and POOF it would go back off.
I finally caught him in my bedroom going through the boxes of clothes that I haven't unpacked yet and taking t-shirts out. He said they were his, and I had no right to steal them from him. I countered with the fact that he had no right to mess up my house and he said...and I remember this clearly because I remember feeling like I'd been hit in the stomach..."Yes I do, I'm your husband till November."
Where's that application for that job in Alabama?
22 May 2006
I have learned this weekend that I CAN transliterate and almost do oral interpreting, but not quite. It is definitely still out of my comfort zone.
I have learned this weekend that there is not a good way to sign the following things:
"I'm like a mosquito in a nudist colony, they all look good to me!"
"That's what *I* call him, Yomama Been Hidin' because we can't find him."
"Don't need to grow pheasant long because they ain't gonna be around very long anyway."
"I don't want nobody peeing on my dream."
"Good Lord only put one opening in the back and it ain't to look through, unless you have a really crappy outlook."
"Besides, I'm country, and when someone says pound that means beat the fire out of something."
There was one speaker that spoke so fast I bit my own tongue in TWO places trying to keep up!
Never a dull moment in my job, ever...
17 May 2006
17 May 2006
Results from SOKC, 1st Schooling Race...
NINTH RACE Grade . 5-16 Mile Track F Time 31.73
Fth Oopsie Daisy 64½ 5 2 13 12 11½ 31.73 Held Comfortabl Lead
Where's Lo Tide 63½ 4 1 2 2 21½ 31.84 Second Best,Inside
Yale 80 1 4 4 3 37 32.24 Held Safe Show,Mid
Dar's Jambalaya 71 7 5 5 6 49½ 32.41 Stretch Gain,Midtrk
Mccool Mitchell 65½ 8 3 3 4 513 32.71 Lacked Late Effort
Nebefer 56 2 6 6 5 616 32.93 Wknd Late,Went Wide
Orl 17 3 Scratched
Orl 18 6 Scratched
Jessica Michaud Ken’s Red F, August 2004, Cm Stormy—Lady Leelo
5 Fth Oopsie Daisy
4 Where’s Lo Tide
Her sisters did well also...Hallie just edged out her competition to come in first with a time of 31.33, second place dog was 31.40. Sophie Sox won her schooling race, finishing with a time of 31.73, and Bonnie Boo won HER race with a time of 32.14! Well done ladies, well done indeed!!
But Daisy! Lordy! 31.73 is nothing to sneeze at...that's my babygirl!!
For those confused by all those numbers, my babygirl, who currently weighs 64.5lbs (a whole ten pounds more than Jeany!!)had the number 5 spot, and she won her race, 11.5 lengths in front of the closest dog behind her (I think that's what the 11.5 means). Her time running 5/16 of a mile was 31.73 seconds. Whoooooosh!
14 May 2006
Originally uploaded by NanLassiter.
They may not be my real offspring. They may be furry and four-legged. They may chew my shoes, pee and poop on my floor, break things with their tails or unravel rugs with their claws. They may purr and roo rather that laugh and sing.
They may be my pets, rather than my children, but I am still the Mommy, and today celebrate the love that they give me...no conditions, no demands...they just love me...because I'm the Mommy.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you, moms of skin-kids and fur-kids alike.
When in the box, the cabinet did not look as big as it actually is. There was also no warning about how heavy it was going to be or instructions on how to use the sleeves that are required when one hangs something heavy on a sheetrock/drywall bathroom wall.
Some of the frustration, fatigue, and general irritability from yesterday was still lingering this morning but I had to press on and hang the darned thing because I have to return the drill to my father this evening. Add into the mix that I have limited upper body strength and limited patience with things that don't go right the first time AND that I got about four hours of sleep last night and you can probably imagine the fiesta that was the Hanging of the Cabinet.
But you know what? I did it. All by myself save one call to Scott to ask if the sleeves were supposed to be flush with the wall...I hung the cabinet. There were several failed attempts and some tears and a few "I HATE THIS CABINET!" exclamations, but it is now on my wall, hopefully sturdy and filled with the stuff that I don't want just sitting out for all to see. I found the holes on the back of the cabinet, somehow sprouted two extra hands and found the screws in the wall, bit my lip and shoved...and the cabinet stayed!
Geeeeezominey, I hope that thing doesn't fall on my head the next time I have to use the toilet...
13 May 2006
I am remarkably okay with my divorce. I don't want to live with Scott anymore. I still care for him, and probably always will, but I can say with 100% certainty that I no longer love him. I am certainly not in love with him, and I can almost pinpoint the time when that ceased to be the case.
But there is something I learned today about divorce...you lose a lot more than a spouse you can't get along with, a house that is filthy to the point of making you sick, or a last name that you never really wanted in the first place. You lose a family.
Today I saw two of Scott's brothers and his nephew Zach. Somehow, because I haven't seen them since we decided to get a divorce, it was almost easy for me to just close that chapter of my life. It was simple: I never had brothers, I never had sisters other than my biological sister Susan. I never had nieces or nephews or mothers/fathers-in-law. I'm very good at that kind of closure...cut it off like it was never there and it can't hurt you.
But it can...in very real and painful ways. Jack hugged me and told me he missed me. Chris asked how I was, and it wasn't just a cursory "how are you" that you'd toss out to a stranger you pass in the hallway. And when I hugged each of them...well, after I left the Anderson House and lead my sister and her husband back up to Greenville, I cried about half of the way. Luckily everything in my car was an allergen at that point so it wasn't out of the ordinary that my eyes were red and nose was stuffy by the time we got to my house. I'd been washing dishes when Scott and Chris came by to bring me the lawnmower and barstools, and after they left I cried again.
I lost a huge family in one blink of an eye. In one late night conversation with Scott, I lost three brothers, four sisters, two nephews and three nieces. I lost two mothers-in-law and a father-in-law. Today was the first time I'd seen any of them since Christmas 2004, and I just hadn't thought about how much I missed them...or how much THEY were the reason I stayed with Scott as long as I did. He and I should have split in 2001, but at least for my part I stayed with him because I loved THEM. On the one hand it was good that both Chris and Jack gave me a hug and were still friendly, but I think it just made things hurt all the more.
I have to get out of South Carolina if my heart is ever going to completely heal. That's what I've learned today.
11 May 2006
That's my leg, up close and probably too personal. So far I've experienced none of the gross scabbing or pain or unbearable itching that I was told to expect. It does itch, but not so bad I can't take it. The only real issue I'm having is that sometimes it hurts if I roll over on that side at night.
I'm again searching for the plateau, having slipped off the edge into the valley again. The work that needs to be done around the house becomes insurmountable. The whining of the dogs to wake me up in the morning becomes unbearable. Even Everquest has lost some of it's fun, but I think a great deal of that is just that I can't sit at the computer for hours at a time because my leg gets itchy.
The negative self-talk comes and goes. A lot of voices have been ringing in my ears lately...not the kind that land you in a psych unit but the kind that you recognize clearly as memories, intrusive though they may be. Most of all it's my own mind that's tired, beaten down, and needs a vacation.
Holy geezominey, is it August yet? Am I on that plane to the UK yet?
10 May 2006
This morning was no different. Even though today is possibly one of the most embarrassing state holidays that we have here in South Carolina (as well as other southern states), Confederate Memorial Day (affectionately called Bubba Hoo-hah day) and I have the day off, the whining still started around 6am. I managed to verbally beat them into submission with various threats such as "don't make me have to pull your tail out" and "I'll make your bottom lip fit over your ears, just try me" until about 7am. At 7:15 I gave up the ghost and got up.
Did I mention that I was up until about 2am watching the Battlestar Galactica dvds that a dear friend lent me, and then fell asleep on the sofa until 4am? Did I mention that today is a day off for me, that I celebrate annually by driving to Athens and having lunch with Kevin, a long time friend and former co-worker? Did I mention that I just wanted to sleep till 8am?
To add insult to injury, guess what my five furry bundles of joy did after I hauled my sleepy butt out of bed and fed them? They went to sleep.
07 May 2006
Horoscopes For Today: 5/7/2006
An enriching period of looking back and being reflective will continue throughout today. Gaining perspective on where you've come from and what you've done is a great way to gain confidence -- but be careful not to get too stuck in what used to be. The choices you've made cannot be undone, so why dwell? Regret is a useless emotion, and you've got exciting things to think about. The good news you've been waiting for is coming today, and it will give you the distraction you may need.
On Friday I fulfilled a dream I've had since I was in college. While in NC with two very dear friends, I got a tattoo of a greyhound on my ankle. This picture was taken about three hours afterward.
As I said above, I've lived a guarded and sheltered life. I am not a person who willingly takes risks. I am careful, I think of what everyone around me would think/feel before I worry about what I'm thinking/feeling, and I have never done something just because *I* wanted to do it. That's a good way to live, from the perspective of those around me I suppose. From my perspective though it has been a very tiring way to live. I don't relax. I don't let my guard down. Every move, every word, all of it is carefully calculated to make sure that I won't hurt anyone around me. Occasionally I might goof and say something that I shouldn't because I have the unfortunate inability to lie, but if I do I will bend over backwards to make it right. Just who I am.
This tattoo I did for me. I wanted it, so I got it. I'm 34 years old. I'm intelligent, I'm compassionate, I'm well educated. I do not live in a box on the street. I am not a drug addict. I do not believe that a tattoo is a symbol of what kind of person you are, unless it means you are a person that is brave enough to look something in the eye that scares you (needles for me) and back it down. I have no plans to continue decorating my body in this manner. I wanted this one tattoo, so I got it.
It is a greyhound because in the darkest times of my life in recent years, my dogs have kept me focused. They need me, when no one else does. They love me when no one else does. They sleep in my bed and keep me safe at night when no one else will. They keep me to a schedule. They make me a responsible person. When I was convinced that I was worthless and ruining Scott's life, my greyhounds were there to remind me that I am worth something...a lot in fact. The girl that was so lazy and spoiled and demanding, with the help of having these dogs, has grown into a responsible woman.
It is a running greyhound because when they run it literally takes my breath away. It is on my ankle because like giant cats these hounds wind their way around their person's legs and are constantly underfoot. Also, I choose to remember the two hounds I've lost, Lizzard and BoBo, running free and fast and strong, just like the dog on my ankle.
Why is all this surreal? Because my family does not agree with nor support my decision. Because someone very dear to me has told me that I've broken his heart by making my decision. Because I feel alone now...but I'm not afraid. I broke my hold on fear Friday night, and I'm not going back to being who I was.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. -Rent
06 May 2006
Hey y'all, Hunky here. Mommy and I went to Greensboro last night to see Auntie Leah and Auntie Kimmie.
Mommy says that Auntie Kimmie was philosophizing with the tortilla chips. I don't know what that word means. All I know is that she wouldn't share.
Auntie Leah wouldn't either, but after I smelled what was in the cup that made her grin like this I was fine with her not sharing.
Today we went to a place where there were lots of greyhounds that Mommy called GFNC which I don't think spells a real word but it's hard to tell because she spells things around us all the time...anyway, these were the neighbors...HORSES!!!
I love horses, they smell interesting and I really want to try racing one someday. These don't look like they'd be much of a threat, all they wanna do is eat grass! (Lucky horses, Mommy won't let me eat that much grass...)
Mommy and Russ put me and Deniro in jail while they went to look at the Kennel. I didn't mind so much, it was shady and there was still lots to look at nearby.
Then she came by to tell me they were going to see a llama. I wore myself out trying to figure out what that was so I had to take a nap.
We're back home now and I had a really tiring day, so I'm going to go take another nap. Dog's life and all that...
05 May 2006
02 May 2006
Few things feel as good as a renewed sense of confidence, and you're enjoying a strong energy in that area today. Things are picking up in your romantic life -- so you're in the perfect position to build something bigger out of this momentum. Build a partnership that will last. A surprising boost in your ego will result if you spend more time around the people who stimulate your mind, so pick up the phone and get something going with them.
love and scritches,
I have been able to keep my head together though. I'm not leaning toward maudlin bouts of self injury or locking myself in my house and staying in the bed 10 hours a day. I'm still able to focus on what has to get done and do it. Actually, having the animals is often my saving grace because they require me to keep to a schedule.
One of my biggest issues is with change...I know, no one likes change, but my issue is in the immediate time before the change occurs. I think that's why I'm so often late...I can't make myself give up what has my attention in order to move on to the next thing. Once I've moved on, I'm fine, but that moment before I leap into whatever is next is horrifying to me. My mother says that I used to cry whenever I'd see the credits start rolling for movies or shows on TV...but that by the time the next show came on or I found something else to occupy myself I was fine. It's still the same way.
When I first started contemplating actually getting divorced in December of 2004, I thought about it a lot. I was nearly obsessed. I knew that it was the right thing to do because Scott and I had effectively been living as roommates for about three years prior to that point. We had separate beds and separate lives for the most part. We even tended to stay in separate parts of the house, one upstairs and one in the basement. That was an awful way to live for both of us, very lonely and unsatisfying...but I couldn't bring myself to make the change. I finally did it, and wish I'd made the move out of that house sooner because then we wouldn't be in a holding pattern until November of this year to move on with our lives.
I don't know what is causing my current funk...but I've found some words that resonate in a song that I found on a good friend's myspace. The song is called Rain, by Patty Griffin.
It's hard to listen to a hard hard heartThis describes where I was with Scott. Even when we tried to be close it was very evident that neither of us really felt that way about the other anymore.
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
This is where I am now I think...the current funk. I worry and I fret and I can't seem to push away the negative self talk that I'm all but famous for inflicting upon myself.
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Its hard to know when to give up the fightThis verse conjures memories of me agonizing over the decision to leave Scott...to leave everything I'd known, the life we'd built...though in retrospect we didn't build anything...we stagnated where we fell like apples falling out of an overburdned tree.
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you babyThis verse reminds me of the new friend I've made, to whom I think I got a little too close last weekend...I won't hurt you, you've been through enough already. I promise. Just know that I care.
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains nowI'm still alive under my own shroud. I just hope that the rain lets up soon because I think I just spotted a leak...
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
From "Be Careful" by Patty Griffin
Be careful how you bend me
Be careful where you send me
Careful how you end me
Be careful with me