So I typed out a fabulously pithy post this morning about changing templates here at the Lettuce and in my own life, and, as is the way with marvelous prose that I've created, the Universe ate it. I think it might have belched afterward and asked for a mint.
The gist was that I've been thinking a lot about changing the template, if you will, of my life and starting with something new that looks and feels different, and this morning I was totally on board with that idea. By tonight, though, after loads of fighting with Flickr and Blogger and my own Old Lady Brain, I'm thinking maybe familiar is best. Give me a few days, I will have changed templates a dozen times.
The picture over there was taken at Tiffany's in NYC on my Spring Break trip in 1997. I was still single, still in love with Audrey Hepburn and acting and the theatre. I had been to the UK for six weeks two years prior and it had changed my life. I didn't have any greyhounds or an English husband or an ex-husband or any of that. I was just me, that version of me...that template.
Is there a limit on how many times you can change a template out? Hope not.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
17 October 2011
25 April 2008
It just gets better and better...
For the first time in I don't know how long, I was told I'd be getting a tax refund. Actual money back from the government. Money to get me out of the hole I'm in...money, real money.
Now you all that follow my oh-so-exciting life via The Lettuce know that whenever something good is about to happen or has happened in my life, something bad is bound to follow. "Whenever God closes a door, God opens a window..." and then someone slams the window shut on my hands or I'm stuck behind the closed door, however you'd like to continue that metaphor.
I wait and wait for my refund like a good, honest taxpaying American. I've had to deal with smaller paychecks all year but now it's going to pay off for me. Still waiting, I go to the post one day to return with a letter from the IRS. It seems that due to several audits of tax returns filed between 2003 and I guess 2006, there is a huge debt owed to the IRS by a social security number attached to mine. Anyone want to guess who belongs to that number? Because that number is attached to my number (never mind the divorce decree that states that all back taxes owed to the government are the responsibility of my ex-husband, not me...darn, guess I gave away the owner of the other SSN there, didn't I?) the feds have KEPT my refund to be put toward the balance owed.
You are kidding me. I will admit, just to those of you reading today (but don't tell anyone) to a minor meltdown when I got that letter. My tax refund money, while not an astronomical amount, was my wedding money. This was seed money for my move to the UK. This was going to take care of the little debts I still have control over and set me firmly on the path to credit rating recovery.
I emailed my ex, who was very apologetic but was unable to help me. Seems that with interest owed, my piddly return was just a drop in a huge ocean of a balance owed to the feds. In fact, I would be willing to bet that if I hadn't told him what had happened he would never have noticed the difference when he looked over his statement from the IRS.
My dad's accountant, who prepared my returns, has a copy of my divorce decree now and is going to see if there's anything he can do. Sadly, because at the time of the first audit the ex and I were still married and he wasn't beating me I think I'm out of luck as far as relief goes.
Well, beloveds, gentle readers, it's about to happen again. Upon hearing the news that our economic stimulus payments from the feds (also known as Dubya handing out cash on his way out the door after ruining our economy for eight years) would be distributed early, I immediately beat a path to the IRS.gov website to see when I could expect a nice jump in my bank balance. I used their calculator thinking that not only would it tell me what I already know, that I'm supposed to be getting $600, but it would also say when to expect it.
Yes on the $600, but there was an interesting caveat under the total..."The estimated payment amount could be reduced, however, if you have an unpaid tax liability."
You have GOT to be kidding me. When, I ask you, do I get to be free of that relationship and free of bailing out someone else's problems with the IRS?
There had better be a crisp new $600 entry in the debit column of my online bank register on May 3rd or I may just explode. Might want to put a hard hat by the computer just in case, the fall out will be nasty.
Now you all that follow my oh-so-exciting life via The Lettuce know that whenever something good is about to happen or has happened in my life, something bad is bound to follow. "Whenever God closes a door, God opens a window..." and then someone slams the window shut on my hands or I'm stuck behind the closed door, however you'd like to continue that metaphor.
I wait and wait for my refund like a good, honest taxpaying American. I've had to deal with smaller paychecks all year but now it's going to pay off for me. Still waiting, I go to the post one day to return with a letter from the IRS. It seems that due to several audits of tax returns filed between 2003 and I guess 2006, there is a huge debt owed to the IRS by a social security number attached to mine. Anyone want to guess who belongs to that number? Because that number is attached to my number (never mind the divorce decree that states that all back taxes owed to the government are the responsibility of my ex-husband, not me...darn, guess I gave away the owner of the other SSN there, didn't I?) the feds have KEPT my refund to be put toward the balance owed.
You are kidding me. I will admit, just to those of you reading today (but don't tell anyone) to a minor meltdown when I got that letter. My tax refund money, while not an astronomical amount, was my wedding money. This was seed money for my move to the UK. This was going to take care of the little debts I still have control over and set me firmly on the path to credit rating recovery.
I emailed my ex, who was very apologetic but was unable to help me. Seems that with interest owed, my piddly return was just a drop in a huge ocean of a balance owed to the feds. In fact, I would be willing to bet that if I hadn't told him what had happened he would never have noticed the difference when he looked over his statement from the IRS.
My dad's accountant, who prepared my returns, has a copy of my divorce decree now and is going to see if there's anything he can do. Sadly, because at the time of the first audit the ex and I were still married and he wasn't beating me I think I'm out of luck as far as relief goes.
Well, beloveds, gentle readers, it's about to happen again. Upon hearing the news that our economic stimulus payments from the feds (also known as Dubya handing out cash on his way out the door after ruining our economy for eight years) would be distributed early, I immediately beat a path to the IRS.gov website to see when I could expect a nice jump in my bank balance. I used their calculator thinking that not only would it tell me what I already know, that I'm supposed to be getting $600, but it would also say when to expect it.
Yes on the $600, but there was an interesting caveat under the total..."The estimated payment amount could be reduced, however, if you have an unpaid tax liability."
You have GOT to be kidding me. When, I ask you, do I get to be free of that relationship and free of bailing out someone else's problems with the IRS?
There had better be a crisp new $600 entry in the debit column of my online bank register on May 3rd or I may just explode. Might want to put a hard hat by the computer just in case, the fall out will be nasty.
23 January 2008
A Nancy by Any Other Name...
So all I wanted was to be Nancy Allen again. No more Lassiter, that's his name and not mine. Nancy Elizabeth Allen...just in time to become Nancy Elizabeth Dunne but that's another issue all together.
Because I did not appear in court on the day of my divorce hearing (upon the advice of my ex-husband's lawyer), the request made in the divorce papers to have my maiden name restored was not granted. Okay...trying hard not to get too wound up over that. I did what I was told and was stuck with Lassiter even though I was told I'd be Allen again.
Because...well, I really don't know why, actually, I was never sent a certified and real copy of the divorce decree. I got a PDF copy forwarded to me from my ex-husband that was presumably sent to him by his lawyer. Okay...so now I have to go to Spartanburg County and pay for a copy of something I should have been sent in the first place.
And because of all of this ridiculousness I can't change my name now because that process, per the SSA, could take up to 4-6 weeks to get my card back with my new name, and I don't think I can change my name on my passport if it isn't attached to my social security number...and by the time that's done, I won't have the two months or more it will take to get my new passport before I potentially go visit Simon in May.
I'm going to be Lassiter till I marry Simon, I'm afraid. A Nancy by Any Other Name may still be Nancy, but she's not a Happy Nancy, to be sure.
Because I did not appear in court on the day of my divorce hearing (upon the advice of my ex-husband's lawyer), the request made in the divorce papers to have my maiden name restored was not granted. Okay...trying hard not to get too wound up over that. I did what I was told and was stuck with Lassiter even though I was told I'd be Allen again.
Because...well, I really don't know why, actually, I was never sent a certified and real copy of the divorce decree. I got a PDF copy forwarded to me from my ex-husband that was presumably sent to him by his lawyer. Okay...so now I have to go to Spartanburg County and pay for a copy of something I should have been sent in the first place.
And because of all of this ridiculousness I can't change my name now because that process, per the SSA, could take up to 4-6 weeks to get my card back with my new name, and I don't think I can change my name on my passport if it isn't attached to my social security number...and by the time that's done, I won't have the two months or more it will take to get my new passport before I potentially go visit Simon in May.
I'm going to be Lassiter till I marry Simon, I'm afraid. A Nancy by Any Other Name may still be Nancy, but she's not a Happy Nancy, to be sure.
16 August 2007
06 June 2007
Go on, gloat...
Everyone who said I should change my travel plans and be in the US today for my divorce hearing...everyone who said I shouldn't just trust that things would go okay and I'd have some closure...well, you were all right. Seems Scott's lawyer didn't make it to court with some paperwork that was needed and so I am still married.
Married, tired, and disappointed...and in dire need of closure.
Married, tired, and disappointed...and in dire need of closure.
15 February 2007
Post office labels
A few hours ago I went to the post office to pick up the certified copy of my divorce papers. It's real now, official, in print, etc etc that I'm soon going to be single again. But I won't be single, I'll be DIVORCED.
That word means different things to different people I think. I'm still struggling with whether it means brave, free, stupid, deficient, tainted, used, or just no-longer-married. I've had a roller coaster of emotion since the phone call that let me know the papers were on the way...am I happy to be almost into a new chapter of my life? Am I relieved that what has been, at times, a very unpleasant time in my life is almost over? Or am I back to being out of the norm as far as most of my friends and family are concerned? Unmarried. No children. Over 35.
I've just about forgotten who Nancy Elizabeth Allen is, but I suppose I'm going to have to find out...as soon as the judge bangs his or her gavel, that's who I will return to being, like the Cylons do after death on the TV show Battlestar Galactica. All my old thoughts, feelings, opinions, memories, everything will remain intact, but I'll be in a new shell, so to speak. A new/old me.
The thing I've been struggling with that I thought was just fear of being alone is really a bit deeper than that, and it hit me as I was reading over the court papers. It's a fear that I will be alone forever...somehow, twisted though it seems, at least while I was still married to Scott I didn't feel alone even though I was two states and a gazillion emotional miles away.
Watch this space for more developments. You'll see it here when I pop back into my new body on board the base ship. Too bad I can't look like Number 3 afterward, hey?
That word means different things to different people I think. I'm still struggling with whether it means brave, free, stupid, deficient, tainted, used, or just no-longer-married. I've had a roller coaster of emotion since the phone call that let me know the papers were on the way...am I happy to be almost into a new chapter of my life? Am I relieved that what has been, at times, a very unpleasant time in my life is almost over? Or am I back to being out of the norm as far as most of my friends and family are concerned? Unmarried. No children. Over 35.
I've just about forgotten who Nancy Elizabeth Allen is, but I suppose I'm going to have to find out...as soon as the judge bangs his or her gavel, that's who I will return to being, like the Cylons do after death on the TV show Battlestar Galactica. All my old thoughts, feelings, opinions, memories, everything will remain intact, but I'll be in a new shell, so to speak. A new/old me.
The thing I've been struggling with that I thought was just fear of being alone is really a bit deeper than that, and it hit me as I was reading over the court papers. It's a fear that I will be alone forever...somehow, twisted though it seems, at least while I was still married to Scott I didn't feel alone even though I was two states and a gazillion emotional miles away.
Watch this space for more developments. You'll see it here when I pop back into my new body on board the base ship. Too bad I can't look like Number 3 afterward, hey?
Yesterday, today, and two weeks from now...
Four years ago yesterday I lost a very good friend, a greyhound called Bo. Hope you're still flying free, my brave boy. I still miss you and still hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me that I was cheated out of a life with you.
Yesterday, as if on cue because it's Valentine's Day...I got my divorce papers. Couldn't have been more perfect if I'd tried.
Two weeks from yesterday I will go on vacation and get to finally meet someone that has become very important to me.
Life is good.
Yesterday, as if on cue because it's Valentine's Day...I got my divorce papers. Couldn't have been more perfect if I'd tried.
Two weeks from yesterday I will go on vacation and get to finally meet someone that has become very important to me.
Life is good.
12 November 2006
Where's Waldo? errr...Nancy...
I'm still here, though I admit I'm finding few things to write about for Brave Lettuce these days. I guess I'm finally seeing the benefits to keeping some bits of my life personal, and learning that not everyone wants to know each time I break a fingernail or how often my Profile takes to spinning like a top in the living room.
I would like to say that in the two months I've lived here I've settled into life in Montgomery, but that isn't true. The longer I'm here, the more I long for a life that is settled and permanent...the kind of life that I thought I'd be living when I thought about my future back in the day, when I was in my 20s. I guess no one's life turns out like they plan it, and everyone has static now and then.
But lest you think that I'm sinking back down off that proverbial plateau again, there are some quite positive things happening in my life. I have a meeting (via telephone) on Friday of this week with Scott and a lawyer, so finally we can get this divorce thing on the docket and moving toward resolution. I don't quite know what to think about it really. I'm not sad, as in I'd like to remain married to Scott, I'm sort of in disbelief I suppose. I'm having some of the same feelings as before when we first decided on divorce...this sort of thing doesn't happen to me and I'm going to be a divorced woman and all that. But really...it's almost more unreal because it doesn't seem necessary. Scott and I have lived apart far longer than the mere year we've physically lived apart, so in a way it feels as though we're already over and done with everything. I don't know...I suppose we'll see what happens on Friday.
The other good thing is that I've gained a very wonderful friend. Although I haven't yet met him in person, he comes very highly recommended by a dear friend of mine and from his emails and our phone calls she was spot on in her description. The only snag is that he lives around 3,000 miles away from me in the UK...but that hardly matters these days, does it? The world is a much smaller place than it used to be, and all I really care about is how I am currently sporting a silly grin and can't seem to speak about him without my face lighting up like a Christmas tree (or so I'm told). He's a charming, wonderful, amazing man, and he thinks that I'm special as well. We'll see...I'm a guarded hopeful at this point.
Off to continue cleaning the house and finishing laundry. "Mah Sistahs" are coming to visit this coming Friday and I can't wait. The world is a smaller place, to be sure, but sometimes even the gap between me and them in NC or me and my family in GA seems insurmountable. I am trying to learn some patience and acceptance. Trying. We'll see how that works out...
I would like to say that in the two months I've lived here I've settled into life in Montgomery, but that isn't true. The longer I'm here, the more I long for a life that is settled and permanent...the kind of life that I thought I'd be living when I thought about my future back in the day, when I was in my 20s. I guess no one's life turns out like they plan it, and everyone has static now and then.
But lest you think that I'm sinking back down off that proverbial plateau again, there are some quite positive things happening in my life. I have a meeting (via telephone) on Friday of this week with Scott and a lawyer, so finally we can get this divorce thing on the docket and moving toward resolution. I don't quite know what to think about it really. I'm not sad, as in I'd like to remain married to Scott, I'm sort of in disbelief I suppose. I'm having some of the same feelings as before when we first decided on divorce...this sort of thing doesn't happen to me and I'm going to be a divorced woman and all that. But really...it's almost more unreal because it doesn't seem necessary. Scott and I have lived apart far longer than the mere year we've physically lived apart, so in a way it feels as though we're already over and done with everything. I don't know...I suppose we'll see what happens on Friday.
The other good thing is that I've gained a very wonderful friend. Although I haven't yet met him in person, he comes very highly recommended by a dear friend of mine and from his emails and our phone calls she was spot on in her description. The only snag is that he lives around 3,000 miles away from me in the UK...but that hardly matters these days, does it? The world is a much smaller place than it used to be, and all I really care about is how I am currently sporting a silly grin and can't seem to speak about him without my face lighting up like a Christmas tree (or so I'm told). He's a charming, wonderful, amazing man, and he thinks that I'm special as well. We'll see...I'm a guarded hopeful at this point.
Off to continue cleaning the house and finishing laundry. "Mah Sistahs" are coming to visit this coming Friday and I can't wait. The world is a smaller place, to be sure, but sometimes even the gap between me and them in NC or me and my family in GA seems insurmountable. I am trying to learn some patience and acceptance. Trying. We'll see how that works out...
23 May 2006
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...Isn't It?
Lordy, I hope not.
This morning, in between viciously pounding on the snooze button on the alarm clock, I had a dream about Scott. I was in my new place but it wasn't the house I live in now. It was a LOT bigger, and the backyard was nothing but a tennis court. Anyway, the jist of the dream was that he was following me around in my house, DOING THINGS. Like for instance, I was making coffee and I put the filter with the coffee in it into the machine, then filled up the carafe to add water to the machine. When I poured the water into the machine, it overflowed because someone had already put water in it. The food that was supposed to be in my refrigerator was actually in my freezer, though I remembered putting it in the correct place. Therefore, all my food had to be thawed before it could be used. Lights were on in rooms where I wasn't, or I'd walk into a room and turn on the light and POOF it would go back off.
I finally caught him in my bedroom going through the boxes of clothes that I haven't unpacked yet and taking t-shirts out. He said they were his, and I had no right to steal them from him. I countered with the fact that he had no right to mess up my house and he said...and I remember this clearly because I remember feeling like I'd been hit in the stomach..."Yes I do, I'm your husband till November."
Where's that application for that job in Alabama?
This morning, in between viciously pounding on the snooze button on the alarm clock, I had a dream about Scott. I was in my new place but it wasn't the house I live in now. It was a LOT bigger, and the backyard was nothing but a tennis court. Anyway, the jist of the dream was that he was following me around in my house, DOING THINGS. Like for instance, I was making coffee and I put the filter with the coffee in it into the machine, then filled up the carafe to add water to the machine. When I poured the water into the machine, it overflowed because someone had already put water in it. The food that was supposed to be in my refrigerator was actually in my freezer, though I remembered putting it in the correct place. Therefore, all my food had to be thawed before it could be used. Lights were on in rooms where I wasn't, or I'd walk into a room and turn on the light and POOF it would go back off.
I finally caught him in my bedroom going through the boxes of clothes that I haven't unpacked yet and taking t-shirts out. He said they were his, and I had no right to steal them from him. I countered with the fact that he had no right to mess up my house and he said...and I remember this clearly because I remember feeling like I'd been hit in the stomach..."Yes I do, I'm your husband till November."
Where's that application for that job in Alabama?
13 May 2006
I've learned something today...
First of all, I've learned it really makes me mad when Blogger isn't letting me log in to post something...
I am remarkably okay with my divorce. I don't want to live with Scott anymore. I still care for him, and probably always will, but I can say with 100% certainty that I no longer love him. I am certainly not in love with him, and I can almost pinpoint the time when that ceased to be the case.
But there is something I learned today about divorce...you lose a lot more than a spouse you can't get along with, a house that is filthy to the point of making you sick, or a last name that you never really wanted in the first place. You lose a family.
Today I saw two of Scott's brothers and his nephew Zach. Somehow, because I haven't seen them since we decided to get a divorce, it was almost easy for me to just close that chapter of my life. It was simple: I never had brothers, I never had sisters other than my biological sister Susan. I never had nieces or nephews or mothers/fathers-in-law. I'm very good at that kind of closure...cut it off like it was never there and it can't hurt you.
But it can...in very real and painful ways. Jack hugged me and told me he missed me. Chris asked how I was, and it wasn't just a cursory "how are you" that you'd toss out to a stranger you pass in the hallway. And when I hugged each of them...well, after I left the Anderson House and lead my sister and her husband back up to Greenville, I cried about half of the way. Luckily everything in my car was an allergen at that point so it wasn't out of the ordinary that my eyes were red and nose was stuffy by the time we got to my house. I'd been washing dishes when Scott and Chris came by to bring me the lawnmower and barstools, and after they left I cried again.
I lost a huge family in one blink of an eye. In one late night conversation with Scott, I lost three brothers, four sisters, two nephews and three nieces. I lost two mothers-in-law and a father-in-law. Today was the first time I'd seen any of them since Christmas 2004, and I just hadn't thought about how much I missed them...or how much THEY were the reason I stayed with Scott as long as I did. He and I should have split in 2001, but at least for my part I stayed with him because I loved THEM. On the one hand it was good that both Chris and Jack gave me a hug and were still friendly, but I think it just made things hurt all the more.
I have to get out of South Carolina if my heart is ever going to completely heal. That's what I've learned today.
I am remarkably okay with my divorce. I don't want to live with Scott anymore. I still care for him, and probably always will, but I can say with 100% certainty that I no longer love him. I am certainly not in love with him, and I can almost pinpoint the time when that ceased to be the case.
But there is something I learned today about divorce...you lose a lot more than a spouse you can't get along with, a house that is filthy to the point of making you sick, or a last name that you never really wanted in the first place. You lose a family.
Today I saw two of Scott's brothers and his nephew Zach. Somehow, because I haven't seen them since we decided to get a divorce, it was almost easy for me to just close that chapter of my life. It was simple: I never had brothers, I never had sisters other than my biological sister Susan. I never had nieces or nephews or mothers/fathers-in-law. I'm very good at that kind of closure...cut it off like it was never there and it can't hurt you.
But it can...in very real and painful ways. Jack hugged me and told me he missed me. Chris asked how I was, and it wasn't just a cursory "how are you" that you'd toss out to a stranger you pass in the hallway. And when I hugged each of them...well, after I left the Anderson House and lead my sister and her husband back up to Greenville, I cried about half of the way. Luckily everything in my car was an allergen at that point so it wasn't out of the ordinary that my eyes were red and nose was stuffy by the time we got to my house. I'd been washing dishes when Scott and Chris came by to bring me the lawnmower and barstools, and after they left I cried again.
I lost a huge family in one blink of an eye. In one late night conversation with Scott, I lost three brothers, four sisters, two nephews and three nieces. I lost two mothers-in-law and a father-in-law. Today was the first time I'd seen any of them since Christmas 2004, and I just hadn't thought about how much I missed them...or how much THEY were the reason I stayed with Scott as long as I did. He and I should have split in 2001, but at least for my part I stayed with him because I loved THEM. On the one hand it was good that both Chris and Jack gave me a hug and were still friendly, but I think it just made things hurt all the more.
I have to get out of South Carolina if my heart is ever going to completely heal. That's what I've learned today.
02 May 2006
Valleys and Plateaus...need more Plateaus
It's been rough the past few weeks here inside my mind. The normal ups and downs have been coming faster and in more devastating fashion recently, like someone taped my heart onto the front car of that new roller coaster at Six Flags I saw while staying with my sister and her husband. It's like I haven't caught my breath completely from a steep hill before I'm plunging downward again.
I have been able to keep my head together though. I'm not leaning toward maudlin bouts of self injury or locking myself in my house and staying in the bed 10 hours a day. I'm still able to focus on what has to get done and do it. Actually, having the animals is often my saving grace because they require me to keep to a schedule.
One of my biggest issues is with change...I know, no one likes change, but my issue is in the immediate time before the change occurs. I think that's why I'm so often late...I can't make myself give up what has my attention in order to move on to the next thing. Once I've moved on, I'm fine, but that moment before I leap into whatever is next is horrifying to me. My mother says that I used to cry whenever I'd see the credits start rolling for movies or shows on TV...but that by the time the next show came on or I found something else to occupy myself I was fine. It's still the same way.
When I first started contemplating actually getting divorced in December of 2004, I thought about it a lot. I was nearly obsessed. I knew that it was the right thing to do because Scott and I had effectively been living as roommates for about three years prior to that point. We had separate beds and separate lives for the most part. We even tended to stay in separate parts of the house, one upstairs and one in the basement. That was an awful way to live for both of us, very lonely and unsatisfying...but I couldn't bring myself to make the change. I finally did it, and wish I'd made the move out of that house sooner because then we wouldn't be in a holding pattern until November of this year to move on with our lives.
I don't know what is causing my current funk...but I've found some words that resonate in a song that I found on a good friend's myspace. The song is called Rain, by Patty Griffin.
I have been able to keep my head together though. I'm not leaning toward maudlin bouts of self injury or locking myself in my house and staying in the bed 10 hours a day. I'm still able to focus on what has to get done and do it. Actually, having the animals is often my saving grace because they require me to keep to a schedule.
One of my biggest issues is with change...I know, no one likes change, but my issue is in the immediate time before the change occurs. I think that's why I'm so often late...I can't make myself give up what has my attention in order to move on to the next thing. Once I've moved on, I'm fine, but that moment before I leap into whatever is next is horrifying to me. My mother says that I used to cry whenever I'd see the credits start rolling for movies or shows on TV...but that by the time the next show came on or I found something else to occupy myself I was fine. It's still the same way.
When I first started contemplating actually getting divorced in December of 2004, I thought about it a lot. I was nearly obsessed. I knew that it was the right thing to do because Scott and I had effectively been living as roommates for about three years prior to that point. We had separate beds and separate lives for the most part. We even tended to stay in separate parts of the house, one upstairs and one in the basement. That was an awful way to live for both of us, very lonely and unsatisfying...but I couldn't bring myself to make the change. I finally did it, and wish I'd made the move out of that house sooner because then we wouldn't be in a holding pattern until November of this year to move on with our lives.
I don't know what is causing my current funk...but I've found some words that resonate in a song that I found on a good friend's myspace. The song is called Rain, by Patty Griffin.
It's hard to listen to a hard hard heartThis describes where I was with Scott. Even when we tried to be close it was very evident that neither of us really felt that way about the other anymore.
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
This is where I am now I think...the current funk. I worry and I fret and I can't seem to push away the negative self talk that I'm all but famous for inflicting upon myself.
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Its hard to know when to give up the fightThis verse conjures memories of me agonizing over the decision to leave Scott...to leave everything I'd known, the life we'd built...though in retrospect we didn't build anything...we stagnated where we fell like apples falling out of an overburdned tree.
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you babyThis verse reminds me of the new friend I've made, to whom I think I got a little too close last weekend...I won't hurt you, you've been through enough already. I promise. Just know that I care.
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains nowI'm still alive under my own shroud. I just hope that the rain lets up soon because I think I just spotted a leak...
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
From "Be Careful" by Patty Griffin
Be careful how you bend me
Be careful where you send me
Careful how you end me
Be careful with me
04 April 2006
Thoughts before Bed
That should actually be thoughts before drugging myself to sleep. Somehow my internal clock, probably thrown off as it is every year by the torturous "Spring Forward" to Daylight Savings Time or Eastern Standard Time or Did I Forget To Change That Clock Time, the clock went all wonky today and I had the energy of a slug. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with a cold or if it's just allergies, but the cold meds do NOTHING to help the sleepy during the day, this I do know.
At about noon I was feeling said sleepy so I decided to take a nap during my lunch hour. I woke up at THREE PM and checked my email and pager frantically, sure that I'd missed something huge from work. Nada. So instead of being responsible and hooking up a caffeine IV I decided to just lie down for a few more minutes...and woke up at 5:15.
While I was asleep I had the strangest dream and it was unfortunately not one of my lucid dreams where I can tell myself to wake up. I dreamed first that my house had a waterslide outside of it that I was riding over and over. Then I went into the house and all of my extended family were there, dressed to the nines. Scott showed up and they all left but his family showed up...and it was like we weren't getting a divorce and everything was hunky and dory and all that. I even remember his brother and sister in law Jack and Sheila inviting me upstairs to see their new baby (which they do not have)!
I then went outside where Scott told me he was keeping the Element, all I had was the Civic that's on it's last legs, and then I noticed all the improvements he'd done to our Pit of Despair in Anderson. I asked him what he'd done to our house and he told me it was HIS house now and none of my business.
This dream played out over both sessions of sleep and I can't imagine why I wanted to go back to it when I just laid down for my short two hour nap...Yeesh.
I think that I'm in a funk...and that's what prompted the weird dreams. I'm off now to take my nightime meds in the hope that they will override any dreams...and just let me rest.
At about noon I was feeling said sleepy so I decided to take a nap during my lunch hour. I woke up at THREE PM and checked my email and pager frantically, sure that I'd missed something huge from work. Nada. So instead of being responsible and hooking up a caffeine IV I decided to just lie down for a few more minutes...and woke up at 5:15.
While I was asleep I had the strangest dream and it was unfortunately not one of my lucid dreams where I can tell myself to wake up. I dreamed first that my house had a waterslide outside of it that I was riding over and over. Then I went into the house and all of my extended family were there, dressed to the nines. Scott showed up and they all left but his family showed up...and it was like we weren't getting a divorce and everything was hunky and dory and all that. I even remember his brother and sister in law Jack and Sheila inviting me upstairs to see their new baby (which they do not have)!
I then went outside where Scott told me he was keeping the Element, all I had was the Civic that's on it's last legs, and then I noticed all the improvements he'd done to our Pit of Despair in Anderson. I asked him what he'd done to our house and he told me it was HIS house now and none of my business.
This dream played out over both sessions of sleep and I can't imagine why I wanted to go back to it when I just laid down for my short two hour nap...Yeesh.
I think that I'm in a funk...and that's what prompted the weird dreams. I'm off now to take my nightime meds in the hope that they will override any dreams...and just let me rest.
29 March 2006
Zen, Insomnia, and the Art of Dishwashing
I had a great post in my head while I was washing my dishes earlier but of course by the time I put the last dish away it was gone. I am still amazed that I'm washing dishes by hand...so many things have changed since I moved to Greenville.
I wash dishes almost every day. Six months ago putting my hands anywhere near a sink full of water and food and soap would have made me gag, and when I first moved here I thought I'd die with no dishwasher. Well, I have a dishwasher...me.
Every time the dogs need to go out I either let them out or I clean up the carpet. There is no one else for me to poke and say "Your dog needs to go out." In the mornings when the dogs wake up at FIVE AM on a weekend wanting their breakfast, I either have to ignore them and try to go back to sleep or just bite the bullet and get up and take care of them.
Today I had a slight rug malfunction that is probably related to my current insomnia. Franny was under the coffee table trying to avoid the antibiotic I was trying to squirt in her mouth and I was on my hands and knees trying to get her out. She bolted, suddenly, so I decided to be smart and spring forward and grab her rather than standing all the way up and letting her get away.
Did I mention that I have hardwood floors and nothing holding my rug to the floor?
When I tried to go forward the rug went backward. I slammed into the floor on my elbows. Currently it feels like there is something in my forearms trying to dig its way out. Hard to get comfy with all that ruckus going on!
So anyway, hopefully tomorrow morning I will remember the post that I came up with while washing the dishes...but only if I sleep first...
I wash dishes almost every day. Six months ago putting my hands anywhere near a sink full of water and food and soap would have made me gag, and when I first moved here I thought I'd die with no dishwasher. Well, I have a dishwasher...me.
Every time the dogs need to go out I either let them out or I clean up the carpet. There is no one else for me to poke and say "Your dog needs to go out." In the mornings when the dogs wake up at FIVE AM on a weekend wanting their breakfast, I either have to ignore them and try to go back to sleep or just bite the bullet and get up and take care of them.
Today I had a slight rug malfunction that is probably related to my current insomnia. Franny was under the coffee table trying to avoid the antibiotic I was trying to squirt in her mouth and I was on my hands and knees trying to get her out. She bolted, suddenly, so I decided to be smart and spring forward and grab her rather than standing all the way up and letting her get away.
Did I mention that I have hardwood floors and nothing holding my rug to the floor?
When I tried to go forward the rug went backward. I slammed into the floor on my elbows. Currently it feels like there is something in my forearms trying to dig its way out. Hard to get comfy with all that ruckus going on!
So anyway, hopefully tomorrow morning I will remember the post that I came up with while washing the dishes...but only if I sleep first...
27 March 2006
Another Whirlwind Weekend
I keep wondering when my life is going to slow down and I can relax...but I'm coming to the realization that life doesn't slow down, not ever. You have to decide if you're going to hang on for dear life like my "nephew" Drew clinging, white knuckled, to the pole on the carousel horse...or just hop off and hope you land on something soft to rest for awhile.
I again ventured into the murky depths of the basement of the Anderson house on Saturday to take things to the storage building on my Dad's property in Georgia. Some of the stuff in there was almost obliterated by the flooding we had 2 years ago...and because I was too lazy (and too afraid of the basement, let's be honest here) to survey all of the damage some of it was still sitting where it had been when "the rains came down and the floods came up."
Dad came up to help haul stuff in my aunt's truck, so that helped somewhat. Had I been forced to drive the Hound-a (my new name for my Element...okay, so I'm the only one that thinks it's funny?) packed to the ceiling with musty clothes and slightly moldy-in-places boxes I would have been on the short track to the ER. As it was, though, with the really nasty stuff riding in the back of my aunt's truck, I only suffered from an allergy attack that Benadryl made quick work of when I got home. By the way, if you're allergic to those kinds of things and you have them in your car don't turn the heat on full blast on your way home, I don't care HOW cold you are. By the time I got to Scott's to pick up the dogs I could barely see my eyes were so runny and itchy. In fact, my nose is STILL stopped up to some extent now, three days later.
I also got some work done on Kalyne's costume on Saturday. We got everything except the sleeves cut out and all that needed to be fused to interfacing was so fused. She's coming down this weekend so I can put it together and fit it on her rather than sewing and crossing my fingers that it works at the last minute.
Sunday was a blur...the dogs actually let me sleep a little late which was good...see, I took Claritin and Benadryl before I went to bed, so I was physically unable to get out of the bed before I'd slept the required 8 hours in a coma that Benadryl forces on me. At least it wasn't as bad as the night last week where they woke me up to go out at about 3am, I let them out, opened the curtain so I could see them, and crawled back in the bed "just for a second while they are outside." I woke up at 4:30 to Hunk frantically whining to come in. Bad bad bad Mommy.
Knuckleheads. I love them...they've kept my mind off the fact that I lost my best friend a week ago Saturday, my Zooey Boy. I guess now that it's Monday it's time to get off the soft thing I landed on yesterday and merge back into life at full speed, eh?
I again ventured into the murky depths of the basement of the Anderson house on Saturday to take things to the storage building on my Dad's property in Georgia. Some of the stuff in there was almost obliterated by the flooding we had 2 years ago...and because I was too lazy (and too afraid of the basement, let's be honest here) to survey all of the damage some of it was still sitting where it had been when "the rains came down and the floods came up."
Dad came up to help haul stuff in my aunt's truck, so that helped somewhat. Had I been forced to drive the Hound-a (my new name for my Element...okay, so I'm the only one that thinks it's funny?) packed to the ceiling with musty clothes and slightly moldy-in-places boxes I would have been on the short track to the ER. As it was, though, with the really nasty stuff riding in the back of my aunt's truck, I only suffered from an allergy attack that Benadryl made quick work of when I got home. By the way, if you're allergic to those kinds of things and you have them in your car don't turn the heat on full blast on your way home, I don't care HOW cold you are. By the time I got to Scott's to pick up the dogs I could barely see my eyes were so runny and itchy. In fact, my nose is STILL stopped up to some extent now, three days later.
I also got some work done on Kalyne's costume on Saturday. We got everything except the sleeves cut out and all that needed to be fused to interfacing was so fused. She's coming down this weekend so I can put it together and fit it on her rather than sewing and crossing my fingers that it works at the last minute.
Sunday was a blur...the dogs actually let me sleep a little late which was good...see, I took Claritin and Benadryl before I went to bed, so I was physically unable to get out of the bed before I'd slept the required 8 hours in a coma that Benadryl forces on me. At least it wasn't as bad as the night last week where they woke me up to go out at about 3am, I let them out, opened the curtain so I could see them, and crawled back in the bed "just for a second while they are outside." I woke up at 4:30 to Hunk frantically whining to come in. Bad bad bad Mommy.
Knuckleheads. I love them...they've kept my mind off the fact that I lost my best friend a week ago Saturday, my Zooey Boy. I guess now that it's Monday it's time to get off the soft thing I landed on yesterday and merge back into life at full speed, eh?
27 February 2006
Thought but not Said
1. You don't have the right nor the authority to tell me where I can or can't go, what I can or can't afford, or anything else of the sort anymore.
2. If we were good at communication, we would not be where we are now. This morning should not have been a surprise to either of us.
3. Thank you for the reminder of why I am where I am now, lest I forget and become weak in a moment of loneliness.
4. If I have to take peanut butter, bread, and bottled water to eat while I'm on my vacation this weekend, so be it because it is important to my mental health (and the safety of all those around me) that I go.
Thank goodness for my family, both family of origin and those that are family to me now, or I sometimes think I might just run away and never come back. Today I had planned to talk about milestones...setting up my own bank account...finding a place to live that's only mine...managing being a single dog/cat parent and working and keeping up with responsibilities...getting the dishes and the clothes washed, for heaven's sake. But all my milestones faded in the face of one phone conversation this morning, and two hours later I'm still on the verge of angry tears. Nothing a little fast food can't make better, however...and it is lunchtime after all.
2. If we were good at communication, we would not be where we are now. This morning should not have been a surprise to either of us.
3. Thank you for the reminder of why I am where I am now, lest I forget and become weak in a moment of loneliness.
4. If I have to take peanut butter, bread, and bottled water to eat while I'm on my vacation this weekend, so be it because it is important to my mental health (and the safety of all those around me) that I go.
Thank goodness for my family, both family of origin and those that are family to me now, or I sometimes think I might just run away and never come back. Today I had planned to talk about milestones...setting up my own bank account...finding a place to live that's only mine...managing being a single dog/cat parent and working and keeping up with responsibilities...getting the dishes and the clothes washed, for heaven's sake. But all my milestones faded in the face of one phone conversation this morning, and two hours later I'm still on the verge of angry tears. Nothing a little fast food can't make better, however...and it is lunchtime after all.
21 February 2006
Thump, Thump, Thump...
From the South Carolina Bar Association's website...
From Divorce Interactive (bold type is mine):
I'm back to the place, I think, where I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and be free and clear to move on with my life. I should have been born in a sit-com. However, since I was born in the real world and chose to move to South Carolina after getting married, I have to wait until November of this year to be free. Happy Birthday to me, I suppose.
Mental cruelty and incompatibility are not grounds for divorce in South Carolina.
Before a divorce can be granted, the Court must determine that efforts at getting the husband and wife back together have failed or that attempts at reconciliation would not be practical. Corroboration or verifying testimony about the grounds is necessary before the Court will grant a divorce.Can I just move back home to Georgia really quick?
From Divorce Interactive (bold type is mine):
Georgia divorce laws have maintained for 13 grounds required for divorce. Among these grounds are adultery and cruel treatment. However, most divorces in Georgia are granted on the no-fault ground that the marriage is irretrievably broken and without fault or wrongdoing. Additionally, one of the spouses must have resided in Georgia for at least 6 months prior to filing for a decree of divorce in Georgia.Don't misunderstand, I'm not implying any kind of treatment of that sort toward me by Scott. I'm saying that it is incredibly sad to the point of pitiful that a spouse can mentally abuse his/her spouse and the state of South Carolina finds nothing wrong with that...at least not wrong enough that a divorce from the perpetrator will be granted.
I'm back to the place, I think, where I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and be free and clear to move on with my life. I should have been born in a sit-com. However, since I was born in the real world and chose to move to South Carolina after getting married, I have to wait until November of this year to be free. Happy Birthday to me, I suppose.
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