27 July 2005

Late Night Grumblings

You know what makes me really mad? Things that are out of my control. I'm really not a control freak...I don't have to be in charge, I don't long to be the leader, nothing of the sort. But things that hurt me or upset me that I have no control over...situations where I have to just sit back and take the pain/hurt feelings/anger/whatever and I can't do a darned thing to fix it just drive me insane.

I play (am addicted to) an online game, and tonight was playing with a friend and everything just went south. It didn't matter what I did, it was wrong and ended badly...and my friend just up and left. That's been happening a lot lately (me not playing as well as I usually do, being distracted, etc), and I know it's because I just have too much on my mind.

But that's not the only gripe on the agenda tonight. I wish from time to time that I could see into the future...just a glimpse...because if I am ever faced with a decision I will inevitably make the wrong decision. For example, if I was faced with a decision to jump onto a raft with a virtual stranger and sail off to a new land where I knew no one but that stranger OR to stay where I am with people I know and I am safe and comfortable, I will think about the decision as I am jumping onto the raft and pushing out to sea. And equally as often I end up on the raft alone because the virtual stranger has left me.

Man am I in a foul mood tonight. I have a decision staring me in the face now. My job here in SC is working to match the offer I've gotten from the new job in GA. If they can, I am inclined to stay because it is the easier of the two paths. Is it better? No clue...my track record as illustrated by the raft above would tend to say no, that I should just head on back home to GA. The rational me says that one or two major life changes at a time are more than enough, and moving out of state is only going to stress me out more.

Then there's my family. I can't even mention the possibility of staying in SC to them without retaliation. But in the end it is my decision...and I find myself actually hoping that SC can match the offer just so I don't have to move far from where I am now.

It's another one of those nights that makes me want to crawl in the bed and just stay there. I need a doggie to snuggle with...

4 comments:

eBeth said...

oh nan - i so understand where you are right now. from personal experience, i can tell you to go with your gut feeling (whilst trying to be rational, of course) and know that your family will understand eventually. before i moved to england when i was in the divorce process, my family didn't speak to me for three months. eventually - they came around.

sometmes you have to do what's best for you, putting others aside. that seems like a mean comment - but your sanity is hardly a price worth paying for others happiness.

if you ever want to talk - i'm a phone call away - and hey, late night for you is early morning for me and i have a cheap cheap calling plan. :)

Gracious Light said...

pffft....

Do what you feel is best for you. Not what is easiest, not what will make you-know-who happy, not what you 'should' do (we just should all over ourselves, don't we), but what is best for you.

The rest will take care of itself.

Dave

∫ťǾŖŖmłệ said...

Gotta say the same here Nan... you have to do what will make YOU happy in the long run. I know this, and you've seen me go through it before- and I'm going through it now. YOU will never be happy if you spend your life trying to make others happy. After all, its you who has to live the life you choose, not whomever you are trying to make happy.

Nan said...

Dave, just so ya know...the retaliation comment was a bit harsh, and was not directed at you nor your beautiful wife. :)

Dia duit ó GARF.

Almost TOO Irish, that. Go raibh míle maith agat  to Chris Heffron (of the Southern Travel Guide ) for this great shot from last Sund...