I know why I am so anxious about this move, but I had the reason spelled out for me in a book I am reading. I am currently just done with the fifth book in Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series, Soul of the Fire, and yesterday while finishing it up I found a good explanation of why I am so anxious.
In the book there is an evil Emperor who has enslaved thousands of people. Some of them are members of an order called Sisters of the Light. One of the sisters, the former leader, finds a way to rescue her sisters and sneaks in to save them. She tells them her plan, they agree, and the captives leave for a bit on an errand before the escape. They return with guards and take their former leader captive.
Why? Because to one who is a slave to something, the fear of the unknown beyond his or her captor is so paralyzing that he or she can not make the move to escape captivity. My life here in this house with a man I was not meant to be with is not good. In fact, the state of the house itself is inflaming my allergies to the point that I sometimes have trouble breathing. He has taken care of all the money/bills/etc. for seven years now, and we are in debt to our eyeballs (and currently in negative numbers in our bank account). And yet the prospect of moving out...of taking care of my own money...of having my own house...is so terrifying to me that I am on the brink constantly of just calling the whole thing off.
This has been my life, right, wrong, or indifferent for so long now that I can't imagine the change. I can't wrap my head around it. House shopping was fun, this is real and frightening. Even now I am stalling and blogging while I should be getting ready to go meet my new landlord and get the keys.
However...I have something that Emperor Jagang's slaves didn't have. I have a network of friends and family that will not leave me in my self imposed captivity. Scary or no, they will shove me out the door of this house and into my new life with the knowledge that if there is a cliff past the door jam they will catch me.
No more stalling. Off to jump the cliff.