Day Six of the Surreal Life

That's my leg, up close and probably too personal. So far I've experienced none of the gross scabbing or pain or unbearable itching that I was told to expect. It does itch, but not so bad I can't take it. The only real issue I'm having is that sometimes it hurts if I roll over on that side at night.

I'm again searching for the plateau, having slipped off the edge into the valley again. The work that needs to be done around the house becomes insurmountable. The whining of the dogs to wake me up in the morning becomes unbearable. Even Everquest has lost some of it's fun, but I think a great deal of that is just that I can't sit at the computer for hours at a time because my leg gets itchy.

The negative self-talk comes and goes. A lot of voices have been ringing in my ears lately...not the kind that land you in a psych unit but the kind that you recognize clearly as memories, intrusive though they may be. Most of all it's my own mind that's tired, beaten down, and needs a vacation.

Holy geezominey, is it August yet? Am I on that plane to the UK yet?

Why don't animals have snooze settings?

Most of my mornings start out relatively the same. About half an hour before my alarm goes off, a greyhound starts whining. It's not an urgent whine, it's an under-the-breath, only-audible-to-bats-like-me whine that I am unable to sleep through. I generally say something ugly to whomever is crying in that manner that includes "get back on your bed," then roll back over and try to thread my pillow through my head via my ears to block out the sound.

This morning was no different. Even though today is possibly one of the most embarrassing state holidays that we have here in South Carolina (as well as other southern states), Confederate Memorial Day (affectionately called Bubba Hoo-hah day) and I have the day off, the whining still started around 6am. I managed to verbally beat them into submission with various threats such as "don't make me have to pull your tail out" and "I'll make your bottom lip fit over your ears, just try me" until about 7am. At 7:15 I gave up the ghost and got up.

Did I mention that I was up until about 2am watching the Battlestar Galactica dvds that a dear friend lent me, and then fell asleep on the sofa until 4am? Did I mention that today is a day off for me, that I celebrate annually by driving to Athens and having lunch with Kevin, a long time friend and former co-worker? Did I mention that I just wanted to sleep till 8am?

To add insult to injury, guess what my five furry bundles of joy did after I hauled my sleepy butt out of bed and fed them? They went to sleep.

My Surreal Life

I keep thinking I'm going to wake up at any minute. This cannot be my life. I've always been so guarded and careful. The few bad decisions I've made have been able to be overcome. Not so anymore.

Horoscopes For Today: 5/7/2006

An enriching period of looking back and being reflective will continue throughout today. Gaining perspective on where you've come from and what you've done is a great way to gain confidence -- but be careful not to get too stuck in what used to be. The choices you've made cannot be undone, so why dwell? Regret is a useless emotion, and you've got exciting things to think about. The good news you've been waiting for is coming today, and it will give you the distraction you may need.

Interesting, huh?

On Friday I fulfilled a dream I've had since I was in college. While in NC with two very dear friends, I got a tattoo of a greyhound on my ankle. This picture was taken about three hours afterward.

I keep looking down at my ankle and being surprised that it's really there! My reason for this tattoo and it's placement and everything are a bit complicated. First, as I said I've wanted a tattoo for years, and have tried to soothe that need with temporary tattoos and even henna that I do myself. But those options would always go away, leaving me with nothing but the feeling that this was something I really wanted.

As I said above, I've lived a guarded and sheltered life. I am not a person who willingly takes risks. I am careful, I think of what everyone around me would think/feel before I worry about what I'm thinking/feeling, and I have never done something just because *I* wanted to do it. That's a good way to live, from the perspective of those around me I suppose. From my perspective though it has been a very tiring way to live. I don't relax. I don't let my guard down. Every move, every word, all of it is carefully calculated to make sure that I won't hurt anyone around me. Occasionally I might goof and say something that I shouldn't because I have the unfortunate inability to lie, but if I do I will bend over backwards to make it right. Just who I am.

This tattoo I did for me. I wanted it, so I got it. I'm 34 years old. I'm intelligent, I'm compassionate, I'm well educated. I do not live in a box on the street. I am not a drug addict. I do not believe that a tattoo is a symbol of what kind of person you are, unless it means you are a person that is brave enough to look something in the eye that scares you (needles for me) and back it down. I have no plans to continue decorating my body in this manner. I wanted this one tattoo, so I got it.

It is a greyhound because in the darkest times of my life in recent years, my dogs have kept me focused. They need me, when no one else does. They love me when no one else does. They sleep in my bed and keep me safe at night when no one else will. They keep me to a schedule. They make me a responsible person. When I was convinced that I was worthless and ruining Scott's life, my greyhounds were there to remind me that I am worth something...a lot in fact. The girl that was so lazy and spoiled and demanding, with the help of having these dogs, has grown into a responsible woman.

It is a running greyhound because when they run it literally takes my breath away. It is on my ankle because like giant cats these hounds wind their way around their person's legs and are constantly underfoot. Also, I choose to remember the two hounds I've lost, Lizzard and BoBo, running free and fast and strong, just like the dog on my ankle.

Why is all this surreal? Because my family does not agree with nor support my decision. Because someone very dear to me has told me that I've broken his heart by making my decision. Because I feel alone now...but I'm not afraid. I broke my hold on fear Friday night, and I'm not going back to being who I was.

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. -Rent

An Overnight Trip, told by HunkamunchafromOz

Hey y'all, Hunky here. Mommy and I went to Greensboro last night to see Auntie Leah and Auntie Kimmie.


Mommy says that Auntie Kimmie was philosophizing with the tortilla chips. I don't know what that word means. All I know is that she wouldn't share.


Auntie Leah wouldn't either, but after I smelled what was in the cup that made her grin like this I was fine with her not sharing.


Today we went to a place where there were lots of greyhounds that Mommy called GFNC which I don't think spells a real word but it's hard to tell because she spells things around us all the time...anyway, these were the neighbors...HORSES!!!


I love horses, they smell interesting and I really want to try racing one someday. These don't look like they'd be much of a threat, all they wanna do is eat grass! (Lucky horses, Mommy won't let me eat that much grass...)


Mommy and Russ put me and Deniro in jail while they went to look at the Kennel. I didn't mind so much, it was shady and there was still lots to look at nearby.


Then she came by to tell me they were going to see a llama. I wore myself out trying to figure out what that was so I had to take a nap.

We're back home now and I had a really tiring day, so I'm going to go take another nap. Dog's life and all that...

Why you should not eat breakfast at your computer...

Butter and strawberry preserves are very sticky and hard to get off the keyboard, keyboard tray, your shirt sleeve, your pants leg, and the floor when in a fit of clumsiness, the like that has plagued you since you were small, you somehow hit the underside of the plate with the english muffins slathered in the aforementioned butter and preserves and send two of them flying in opposite directions. Of course, true to form, the one that I didn't catch landed on the floor face down. Good morning, Nancy.

My Horoscope for Today...if only!

Horoscopes For Today: 5/2/2006
Few things feel as good as a renewed sense of confidence, and you're enjoying a strong energy in that area today. Things are picking up in your romantic life -- so you're in the perfect position to build something bigger out of this momentum. Build a partnership that will last. A surprising boost in your ego will result if you spend more time around the people who stimulate your mind, so pick up the phone and get something going with them.

Well Duh...

Yesterday would have been my BoBo's 10th birthday. I wonder if that's part of the cause of the funk? Who knows...but anyway, happy birthday at the bridge my sweet big boy. I still miss you EVERY day of my life...but I'm happy to wait for our bright Someday...when we can "walk in the rays of a beautiful sun" again.



love and scritches,
Mommy

Valleys and Plateaus...need more Plateaus

It's been rough the past few weeks here inside my mind. The normal ups and downs have been coming faster and in more devastating fashion recently, like someone taped my heart onto the front car of that new roller coaster at Six Flags I saw while staying with my sister and her husband. It's like I haven't caught my breath completely from a steep hill before I'm plunging downward again.

I have been able to keep my head together though. I'm not leaning toward maudlin bouts of self injury or locking myself in my house and staying in the bed 10 hours a day. I'm still able to focus on what has to get done and do it. Actually, having the animals is often my saving grace because they require me to keep to a schedule.

One of my biggest issues is with change...I know, no one likes change, but my issue is in the immediate time before the change occurs. I think that's why I'm so often late...I can't make myself give up what has my attention in order to move on to the next thing. Once I've moved on, I'm fine, but that moment before I leap into whatever is next is horrifying to me. My mother says that I used to cry whenever I'd see the credits start rolling for movies or shows on TV...but that by the time the next show came on or I found something else to occupy myself I was fine. It's still the same way.

When I first started contemplating actually getting divorced in December of 2004, I thought about it a lot. I was nearly obsessed. I knew that it was the right thing to do because Scott and I had effectively been living as roommates for about three years prior to that point. We had separate beds and separate lives for the most part. We even tended to stay in separate parts of the house, one upstairs and one in the basement. That was an awful way to live for both of us, very lonely and unsatisfying...but I couldn't bring myself to make the change. I finally did it, and wish I'd made the move out of that house sooner because then we wouldn't be in a holding pattern until November of this year to move on with our lives.

I don't know what is causing my current funk...but I've found some words that resonate in a song that I found on a good friend's myspace. The song is called Rain, by Patty Griffin.

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb

This describes where I was with Scott. Even when we tried to be close it was very evident that neither of us really felt that way about the other anymore.

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

This is where I am now I think...the current funk. I worry and I fret and I can't seem to push away the negative self talk that I'm all but famous for inflicting upon myself.

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before

This verse conjures memories of me agonizing over the decision to leave Scott...to leave everything I'd known, the life we'd built...though in retrospect we didn't build anything...we stagnated where we fell like apples falling out of an overburdned tree.

Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

This verse reminds me of the new friend I've made, to whom I think I got a little too close last weekend...I won't hurt you, you've been through enough already. I promise. Just know that I care.

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

I'm still alive under my own shroud. I just hope that the rain lets up soon because I think I just spotted a leak...

From "Be Careful" by Patty Griffin
Be careful how you bend me
Be careful where you send me
Careful how you end me
Be careful with me

Octo-Rasta

Octo-Rasta
Originally uploaded by NanLassiter.

When toys attack...I'm glad Hunky loves me...

On Renn Fests, Sofas, and the Dining Room Floor

My season with the Georgia Renaissance Festival has now come to a close. I went yesterday with all three greyhounds, but luckily we had an abundance of handlers so I spent a lot of the day dogless! I say luckily...but I admit to being a bit giddy every time I spotted one of my dogs approaching with his/her handler to be returned to me.

I actually saw a Lost Boys show yesterday...from the back, admittedly, with Profile in tow, but it was a great show. The Boys never cease to amaze me with the amount of dedication they put into each performance, and how much they obviously love what they do.

Hunk has been on his favorite sofa almost non-stop since we got home. I love Susan and Dave's red sofa, and actually fell asleep on it for a bit last night. Despite the fact that it occasionally seems as though it wants to swallow me (lots of pillows), it's definitely mine and Hunky's favorite place to be while visiting Unka Dave and Aunt Susan.

Jeany's favorite place to be this weekend seems to be their dining room...especially when she really needs to go out. Dave and Susan's friend Ben was visiting this weekend as well, and he was unfortunately awakened when Jeany decided to break the rules and use the dining room as her own personal facilities. Could I have been a more proud Momma? If I ever bring Daiz down here after she retires I'm probably going to be so nervous I'll keep her leashed to me the entire time we're visiting.

I'm really going to miss coming down here. I don't get to spend near enough time with my family, and when I do, it's usually Mom and Daddy just because they are closer. It's also hard to get together with Susan and Dave because of their work schedules...weekends are work time for them. I am really lucky to have a sister and brother-in-law that will not only put up with me bringing my dogs into their pet-free home weekend after weekend but also will let the other members of my renn fest group come along and bring THEIR dogs! Thanks, Unka Dave and Aunt Sooz. You rule.

"Tourt-cha....Tourt-cha....the whole day phrew...."

(title most unceremoniously stolen from the dear Executioner at GARF who serenaded us...)

"Nay, my dearest Tim Tam, thou shoud'st sniff Master Smiter's drum just there, carefully avoiding his kilt and knees..."


"My Dear Lord Above, the Lady Potato Head has't taken on the King's Weiner, and appears to be winning!!"


"Hmmm, be it truly lady-like, my dear Antoinette, to chomp down on a fried pickle with such abandon?"


The Ladies of East Fairhaven...some of us anyway. What is so funny?

Dude...Life is Good!

The Obligatory LB photo
Originally uploaded by NanLassiter.

Weekend 2 of the Georgia Renaissance Festival is now in the can, as they say, and we made it through with only a few problems. I had to take a photo with a Lost Boy, of course, and since Tom Smiter is the one I know the best he was the lucky victim...er...target...er...yeah, whatever. Huzzah! Click here to see a slideshow of our weekend at faire!

I used to really like dogs...just not downward facing

In my quest to lose the extra person I'm lugging about in the form of being overweight, I've landed, I think, on a plan that I can stick to because I'm really enjoying it. I'm trying yoga. I'm using a video called AM/PM Yoga for Beginners at the moment and while it is HARD and PAINFUL I already feel better and have only been at it a few days. One of the best things about yoga is that it isn't hard to learn, just requires practice. The poses are not easy, but they are not impossible.

I used to really like dogs until I tried the downward facing dog pose. Holy moly, do I even have hamstrings? I think my favorite one so far is upward facing dog, even though it gives me a cramp in one of my toes sometimes. Cobra pose leads to upward facing dog in the routine I'm using, and just makes my whole back feel good.

I'm also really into the meditation part. My brain runs ninety-to-nothing most of the time, and this is a good reminder to me that I need to slow down and concentrate. I'm finding that I get more done during the day and don't just get lost in a sea of trying to do sixteen things at once.

Namaste.

You know you should go to bed when...

...you lose count how many orange slices you've had...the candy, not the oh-so-healthy fruit.

...the Showbiz Show makes you howl with laughter, even during the commercials.

...you call your "Friar Dave" costume project "McShane's Sundress."

...you realize that you've probably stayed up so long that you will have to skip your PM yoga and go straight to AM yoga.

...you blog about skipping PM yoga like anyone is interested.

...you sing three rounds of "World Leader Pretend" in your head and comment to the cat how much you miss REM.

...you comment about anything to the cat. THE CAT.

Just a hood, a tabard, and I'm done with Dave's monk costume...if I don't get ambitious and embroider some flowers on it and call it a sundress. Insomnia sucks.

Can you hear me now? CRASH

My sewing machine is sitting on my dining room table currently because I don't have a special sewing table. At the dining room table last night were two chairs, only one of which is safe enough to sit in. The other one was either not put together correctly or has just worked a screw loose in the 7 years of its chair-life, rendering it wobbly at best and darned near dangerous at worse.

I'll let you take a guess at which chair I ended up sitting in to sew last night.

All started out well as I sewed the twill tape on the edges of Kalyne's bodice, the fabric for Dave's costume churning away in the washing machine in the background. I even got up to answer the phone when it rang and sat back down without incident. But then I made my fatal mistake: I leaned back in the chair to stretch my back, because as I sew I tend to hunch over and get closer and closer to the needle, leaving me looking like Gollum from LOTR by the time the garment is done. "My pressssssshus seams..."

CRAAAACK.

The next thing I remember clearly is being on the floor in terrible pain with the phone pressed to my ear and Scott yelling into it, "Nan? Can you hear me?" I told him to hold on, disentangled myself from the chair, and tried to stand up. It seems that when the leg came out of the chair I pitched backwards, striking my head and then neck on the wall and landing on my tailbone on my hardwood floor. There is also some apparent damage to EVERY STINKING MUSCLE between my hair and my toenails on my left side, as evidenced by the shooting pains in that general area if I move too quickly or try to turn my head to the left.

Dangerprone Daphne does it again! I am reminded of other incidents of equal grace: The time I sat willingly in a hammock at camp hung on one side with rope and on the other with BANDANAS AND DUCT TAPE. The time at Maryville when I walked off the edge of a platform in a play (having missed the stairs completely), causing the stage manager to line the edge of the platform and the stairs with reflective tape so that from above it looked like an airplane tarmack. The summer we lived in England I couldn't stop falling down the stairs in our house. If there is a way to get hurt doing it, I will find that way.

I'm just wishing I hadn't left my advil at home. I wonder if my chiropractor takes walk-ins?