13 May 2006

I've learned something today...

First of all, I've learned it really makes me mad when Blogger isn't letting me log in to post something...

I am remarkably okay with my divorce. I don't want to live with Scott anymore. I still care for him, and probably always will, but I can say with 100% certainty that I no longer love him. I am certainly not in love with him, and I can almost pinpoint the time when that ceased to be the case.

But there is something I learned today about divorce...you lose a lot more than a spouse you can't get along with, a house that is filthy to the point of making you sick, or a last name that you never really wanted in the first place. You lose a family.

Today I saw two of Scott's brothers and his nephew Zach. Somehow, because I haven't seen them since we decided to get a divorce, it was almost easy for me to just close that chapter of my life. It was simple: I never had brothers, I never had sisters other than my biological sister Susan. I never had nieces or nephews or mothers/fathers-in-law. I'm very good at that kind of closure...cut it off like it was never there and it can't hurt you.

But it can...in very real and painful ways. Jack hugged me and told me he missed me. Chris asked how I was, and it wasn't just a cursory "how are you" that you'd toss out to a stranger you pass in the hallway. And when I hugged each of them...well, after I left the Anderson House and lead my sister and her husband back up to Greenville, I cried about half of the way. Luckily everything in my car was an allergen at that point so it wasn't out of the ordinary that my eyes were red and nose was stuffy by the time we got to my house. I'd been washing dishes when Scott and Chris came by to bring me the lawnmower and barstools, and after they left I cried again.

I lost a huge family in one blink of an eye. In one late night conversation with Scott, I lost three brothers, four sisters, two nephews and three nieces. I lost two mothers-in-law and a father-in-law. Today was the first time I'd seen any of them since Christmas 2004, and I just hadn't thought about how much I missed them...or how much THEY were the reason I stayed with Scott as long as I did. He and I should have split in 2001, but at least for my part I stayed with him because I loved THEM. On the one hand it was good that both Chris and Jack gave me a hug and were still friendly, but I think it just made things hurt all the more.

I have to get out of South Carolina if my heart is ever going to completely heal. That's what I've learned today.

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